Chercher La Femme

2004-02-09T08:44:00.000-08:00

Me, just here.

2004-02-08T21:36:00.000-08:00

It was the snow that covered the ground, the moonlight on the mountains, the sun on the painted desert. It was the birds that swept through the sky, soaring on the winds, moving like waves, millions of them, as far as the eye could see. These are the things I remember. Brilliant sunsets plagued my travel and I found myself racing into the darkness hoping to get there before the last bit of light left. I crossed the mighty Mississippi while fading light shimmered on the waters and the bridge was a mighty beautiful sight.

2004-01-14T10:56:00.000-08:00

I'll talk about my drive later, but I have to say that passing through New Mexico was the best treat of the drive. Texas was the worst part of the drive and Alabama was the scary part of the drive. I'm glad to be home.

2004-01-06T12:47:00.000-08:00

So many changes...

January doesn't just bring in the change from one digit to another, marking a new year. It heralds another number change... my age. This year also brings with it the change of leaving a city I thought would be my home for more than 5 months and going back to a place I never wanted to stay.

These last two years have been about change. Many, many things changed in my life, how I acted, how I responded to others, how I looked at life, what I wanted out of life. I've had my feelings hurt so many times in the last couple of years that I didn't think it was possible for them to hurt more. Then I moved to California. I've lost friends and gained friends and un-lost lost friends and found love. Well, love found me. I can't take any credit for it. I marvelled at just how little credit I could take for anything that's happened.

There are so many things I want to do right now. I've come to find that any passion that doesn't die in adversity deserves to be looked into. We are going to see what this year, 2004 - heh, that's the first time I've written it this year... I must have written 2004 like 20 times last year...- has in store. Where will I change now? What else will change in my life? Where will I be living in 9 months?

Tomorrow, I bid a cheery farewell to Southern California and take off on that long road towards... home? Macon? the future? Whatever, the road awaits.

2004-01-01T01:00:00.000-08:00

I've decided that I don't want pets or children for at least 3 years after I'm married... which comes as a shock to me and to others who've known me and known how much I want children. How do I know this?

Let's just say that the cat that I'm babysitting and the crying baby next door helped me realize I'm not ready to look after anyone but my husband when I get married.

2004-01-01T00:55:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year!

I usually do an Old Year look back, but that took alot less time than normal because I didn't journal as much. Poor me. But it was no less meaningful to review the past year. And the things I have to look forward to in this new year!!! I'm excited. I have goals this year. I want to be able to look back and check off some of them.

I would like a new template and new name. I am not longer looking for the woman. She has been found. Now, I want to go indepth, down the the tiniest molecule, atom, whatever that subatomic particle is... that bit of matter that is an unknown to scientist that holds all of these tiny particles together to create this massive creature. Me. Ah well, much of that introspection will go on outside of the internet... Yes, there is *something* outside of the internet. What will go on here are bits like this...

My guilty pleasure is the slight excitement for the new Power Ranger DinoThunder that's coming out in February. I'm almost ashamed to show my face, but there you go. What is your guilty television watching pleasure?

2003-12-30T11:32:00.000-08:00

Two things...

My birthday will be here soon and at that point, I will be two years from going to Europe (unless my future honey beats 30 to the punch).

I still cannot keep my shoes tied... I'm almost 30! (well, almost 28, but that's almost 30!) What's up with that?

2003-12-29T03:59:00.000-08:00

It rained Christmas day.

I guess it's the closest L.A. will get to having a white Christmas. Very grey.

I don't know where to start. My life has been this worldwind, topsy turvy. I don't know whether I'm coming or going, although I know that I will be leaving soon. I just want the next 10 days to speed through and I don't mind watching the Disney channel to make sure that happens. There are so many future changes, you wouldn't even begin to know internet.

Los Angeles has been like going to war. There are so many things that I never expected. And what I've learned, though supremely valuable, hardly seems worth it. In many ways, I feel like I've lost years of my life. I lost a car I loved, though not my life. And what I've gained is priceless. I have a new life waiting for me, a life that I couldn't have planned for myself... but that too will be hard. I'm not afraid of the future. I'm not afraid of hard work. I'm not afraid of life.

L.A. has caught many tears from me. I feel as if L.A. has tried to hamstring me, make me lame, limping through life aimlessly. I've also discovered my new found love of melodrama.

Included with this melodrama is also such a grand hope. Hope, you say? Yes, hope. And, uh, once again, hope. Some of the hope is a past hope that is coming to pass. And some of the hope is hope for the future. I learned more about writing that will be very helpful to me. I've learned more about research, and I thought I was a great researcher. I've learned more about me and my talents (I still can't sing). I have a new community, one that looks forward to the future with me. New pray-ers, new friends. I have stories. I enjoy the stories I have and time will make them funnier.

So what am I going to? Macon? Right, that great metro that I wanted to leave now beckons me back? The unmitigated gall, you say? So do I. There by the grace of God go I.

But I am going back to Macon a different person. I am staying in Macon with a different understanding. The things that Macon has to offer has never been more precious to me. My family, my friends, the love that I never saw before because of how I looked at myself. I go back more talented, braver, stronger, full of Proverb 1:7, learning to endure so that I lack nothing (that's from James), and asking daily, constantly for wisdom. It's a breath of fresh air... cold air that freezes everything at first, but completely clears the head.

I wasn't ready for L.A. but dagnabit, L.A. wasn't ready for me either! The people, that is. I was still nice. I got surprised, happy looks on a daily basis. I surprised people with faith that wasn't even mine, not naturally. I LEARNED TO LET PEOPLE IN AHEAD OF ME WHILE DRIVING without getting irritated when they drove slower than I wanted. I constantly surprised people around me in good ways and I made friends that I will be glad to continue to know for the rest of my life. L.A. chewed me up and tried to digest me. But it had to spit me out because I wasn't going out like that! So, Macon, are you ready?

Well, whatever, I won't be there very long, right future honey?

2003-12-25T10:17:00.000-08:00

I'm so sorry.

I have neglected to tell you important news. I no longer have Whitey. I had to give him back, for his family missed him too much. I now have Hal. Hal will definitely make it on the long drive back to Macon. Whitey would not have. So it is definitely a blessing to have Hal.

In other news, I was informed that the names of the computers in 2000 and 2001 were Hal and Sal. Interesting.

2003-12-25T09:23:00.000-08:00

A Christmas Story

That's a great movie, innit? I was just trying to think of my favourite parts and couldn't settle on any one. Such a great Christmas story.

So, I don't know what I'm going to do all day, so, any suggestions?

Ah well. Don't cry for me internet. (and by that, I mean, feel really really sorry for me)

2003-12-25T09:10:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was Chercher La Femme's birthday.

Happy Birthday, belated.

But it's Christmas day. That means lots of phone calls. That means watching 24 hours of A Christmas Story. That means watching Road to Perdition and reading scripts. That means late night phone calls. It means 13 days until I drive back to Macon.

2003-12-22T13:01:00.000-08:00

I forgot that earthquakes happen in California. Gentle rolling motion? Didn't even feel it.

2003-12-16T14:17:00.000-08:00

The Lady Jett Superior can cuss and swear (I know you didn't think there is a difference, but there is) like a champ, drink anyone under the table, give you a piece of her mind so big you wish you'd just not said anything, write so beautifully, pulling different emotions out of you in one sitting, and corral the "southern vernacular" like nobody's business. And she gives. She gives her words, tortured tidbits that just barely break through the complexities of the woman. She gives her insight and experiences with a hope that someone will learn, but the promise that, if you don't, you'll be just fine. And she gives her heart. No, I don't know The Lady Jett Superior, she doesn't know me and you don't know either of us. But I would like you to read about Trout. (I know the 10 of you who still read my site also read hers, so you've read about him already, but if anyone new is reading, please go check it out.) How like Trout we all are, social misfits, outcasts, lonely, rejected, readers, nerds, in need of love and fellowship. I can't offer money. In the fight between me and California, I'm under by 5,000. All I can offer is prayer. And by "all" I mean, the best thing, by "I" I mean the person saved by the ultimate sacrifice, by "offer", I mean a sweet aroma to the Lord and by "prayer" I mean that which the righteous (those who trust in the strength that comes only from Christ) offers that avails much. You know how I feel about Christmas (if not, read below). I ask that you would offer what you can. A prayer, a wish, money, however you choose to give. All I can offer is prayer.

2003-12-16T01:29:00.000-08:00

I'm going to house-sit next week. Well, actually cat-sit. I will do it until Jan. 7, then I will be driving back to Georgia.

I can't imagine spending Christmas, New Year and my birthday away from the people that matter most to me. I have never wanted to be home for Christmas more than I want to be now. I want to sit in a warm house with smells of food surrounding me and watching the kids play with their toys under the tree. I want to convince someone to stand under the mistletoe with me. I'm sure it won't be hard. I want to minister with my mom to the kids that are like brothers and sisters to us, watching their faces when they open their gifts, gifts they never expect even though we love them so much. I want to conspire with my siblings to get mom something she wanted but wouldn't buy for herself. I want to enjoy the good and endure the bad because in these things are the familiarity that I lack.

I think I miss the Christmas tree most of all. I worked as an assistant for a couple who threw their annual Christmas party this past Saturday. I helped them put up lights, decorate their delicious smelling Douglas fir tree (future honey, please, oh please, can we have a fresh Douglas Fir every year? Please?) and helped bing an air of festivity to their house. Even as I was decorating the tree, putting ornaments at the top (I was taller than the couple by a good 6 inches are so) I could not pull up my normal "inner festive" because it wasn't my celebration. I was an outsider to their traditions, an interloper in their familial camraderie.

Christmas has always been special when the rest of life had not been. We would have to clean the house because Santa didn't come to dirty houses. My brother and I would round up everything dirtying up our rooms and help each other push it under our beds. That worked for years. Then we would help prepare Christmas dinner and watch as mom frosted the "Santa Cake", the cake that Santa would take a big bite of when he delivered the toys. It was always a yellow cake with chocolate frosting. We'd listen to Christmas song, hoping that we would hear "Silent Night" by the Temptations, "White Christmas" by Otis Redding and "The Christmas Song" by Nat King Cole before we went to bed. My favourite Christmas song was always "What do the Lonely Do (at Christmas)"... it was always so sad, but with so much looked forward to hope. I never wanted that to be the song I sang at Christmas, but even now, I'm searching the radio for a station that I hope will play the song. One more connection to familiarity. After listening to the songs, trying to get dad to sing his part in the Temptation's "Silent Night" and trying to stay up as long as possible, we'd be herded into bed with the promise of chewing tobacco in the eye if Santa caught us awake (was NOBODY else ever told this?) We'd lay in bed, our anticipation so strong that sleep was miles away. We'd whisper through the door to each other, wondering what of the things we asked for we would get. And sometime in the middle of the night, what seemed like 5 hours later, but was perhaps only one hour later, we'd hear a booming "Ho Ho HO" and the quiver of anticipation would be so great,the fear of tobacco in our eye so strong that we would just shake in unequaled anticipation. We would fall into sleep so slowly that waking was a surprise and it was the next day. We'd run out and see the smorgasbord of toys laid out before us, running to the section we knew was ours. A couple of hours later, our parents would come out and play with us and for a day, a few hours, we were the happiest family on the planet.

One day, I will make my own Christmas memories with someone very special. But not this year.

2003-12-16T01:01:00.000-08:00

It's early in the morning and I'm listening to rock radio. Norah Jones reminds me of too much. I want to sleep, but I can't. I have too much energy now, when once sleep was in easy grasp. I didn't want to go then, but I do now.

This morning I ranted in my head about the new Tampax commercials. I thought it would be a funny rant. I can't really even muster a good sense of humour. But really? What guy, upon seeing a strange object in a woman's hand only one week out of four once a month won't be able to figure out what it is? These are just questions.

Well, I guess my attention is to bore someone to sleep, even if it's not me. I'm going to see Peter Pan tomorrow. When I saw the preview it scared me. Who makes a movie about a child's character that most parents wouldn't take their child to see? So I am going to go see it. How exactly do you sew a shadow on? I wish my shadow would try to leave me. I remember when I was little, after watching the Disney Peter Pan, I would try to outrun my shadow and see if I could trick it into going a different direction. My shadow was smarter than I thought. And that's really sad.

2003-12-14T20:34:00.000-08:00

I'm ready for a new look. It's almost Chercher La Femme's birthday and she needs a new ~~template~~ party dress. Hint Hint

Contrary to popular belief, I do not have a tablespoon sized abdomen, nor will I be killing spiders with tablespoons with my abdomen. I will also not be killing spiders with tablespoon sized abdomens. I will gladly give that duty to someone else.

2003-12-09T21:48:00.000-08:00

4TOGR4

Sometimes, when you missed your normal interstate time and you end up in "it gonna take me an hour instead of 30 minutes to get home" traffic, looking at someone's license plate for too long is kinda like staring at someone's butt for waaayy longer than you want to.

2003-12-06T15:23:00.000-08:00

Dear California,
When you elected Arnold, that was cool. Maybe not wise, but cool. I just want to see him tell someone to get out and then throw them into the ocean. The ocean is cool, which you have plenty of, and the mountains are definitely cool, but nothing else about you is cool. How could you create a city like Los Angeles? The traffic sucks. The over-inflated, hip lifestyle it suggests permeates every aspect of being here. And if I have to get someone to kill a giant spider with a big tablespoon sized abdomen again, I'm leaving and that's it. Frankly, you're not making it easy for the newbies to live here. Maybe that's what you want. Or maybe, to go along with your market distibution, your motto is "Survival of the Fittest"... but the fittest what? From what I've seen of Los Angeles, I don't want to have the mentality that lets me enjoy being here. I'm glad that being here hurts every aspect of my being, because I don't like what "enjoying Los Angeles" looks like.
I do want to thank you for some things. I want to thank you for how hard it's been. I have never had to be a survivor before. And I got to be alone, something else I've never had before. This was when talking to myself really paid off! There were only two voices in my head... don't ask... and I've never seen more clearly. I am stronger. I definitely won't leave here the same. So for this, I thank you.

Sincerely,
Angel

2003-11-30T02:20:00.000-08:00

I'm watching late night television. There are two midgets talking about making it big in the real estate business. There are two free Cashflow workshops from two different companies, 132 Folk Classics, Crown Diamonds commercials, late night movies, personals, and anxiety(them, not me).

That's pretty good for 4 viewable channels. (blegh)

2003-11-28T21:45:00.000-08:00

Jillian Barberie is learning how to look at the right camera on EX-treme Dating.

Christina Aguilera's STRIPPED tour is on the WB on Sunday...

I know America is trying to prove it's not a Christian nation, but c'mon, Stripped on Sunday? I'm not just talking about an obscene show. And isn't Britney Spear's show Monday? I mean, I want to make you guys laugh, not give you the creeps, but I just had to say it. I apologize.

I shouldn't complain. At least God gets the morning, but He still has to hear me sing.

2003-11-28T17:27:00.000-08:00

I thought the norm for house decorations for Christmas was the DAY after Thanksgiving. I mean, I know how this interferes with all of the dayafterThanksgivingshopping people like to do, but many, I see, are prempting the Day After Thanksgiving Decorating for the Hour After Thanksgiving Dinner Decorationg. That's really sad.

I remember the days when my dad would procrastinate until two days before Christmas to get a tree. We'd get a tree so dry, we'd be vacuuming needles until February. Then, one year, mom decided that we would decorate the day after thanksgiving and we got a tree that day. It was really nice getting a good tree. One year, we kept our tree up until february. My uncle got so upset with us, he made a special trip to take down the tree. And last year, the fake fichus was the Christmas "tree".

I thought about getting a little tree. I could probably sit it on the balcony, a small Christmas greeting to the world... or at least to the cops that go by in the 'copters every night.

2003-11-23T20:26:00.000-08:00

When you fly in the rain, and the light hits the droplets just right, it looks like you are in The Matrix.

Has anyone seen the preview for Peter Pan? It looks scay-ree! I can't wait!

I watched Gothika the other night. This was scary to me as well. The suspense was just right and I found myself holding my breath at different times. At one point, an owl flew towards Halle Berry and the camera and a guy in the audience screamed. I think we all got a good 5 minute laugh out of that.

Why is it, when you try to find the Chees-Ums Pringles at the store, they are always sold out? Don't stores know by now to stock them? I buy them at least two cans at a time, if not more... Get with the program!

One of the things I've noticed in my neighborhood, is that the grocery stores are not well put together. There are things on different aisles that could be together. Different types of bread in different areas, skewers on the international food aisle, and not with products for cooking/grilling... It's a bit irritating, but I'm learning.

I turned on my heater for the first time today (in my room). Not surprisingly, it got hot. So I turned it off.

2003-11-14T20:43:00.000-08:00

His name is Whitey*.

He doesn't like coffee icecream.

I didn't expect to meet him and I have that feeling, you know, that "the puppy died, so we got you a new one" feeling whenever I see him.

I miss Sal. Whitey only has 4 gears. Whitey only has two doors. Whitey's alive.

I can't tell you how blessed I am to meet Whitey, to have him and still be able to get around. But I have to tell you, I miss Sal.

*That was his name when I got 'em... I swear!

2003-11-11T13:58:00.000-08:00

If someone was cooking you dinner for a date, would you be put off if you got 4 Oreo Coffee 'n Creme cookies and a bowl of coffee icecream for dessert?

It's Breyers...

Just thought I'd mention the Breyers.

2003-11-04T12:16:00.000-08:00

I was in a car accident yesterday. I'm fine, but it looks like Sal is dead. I loved Sal. I really didn't want to let him go. It's hard for me, losing another car so suddenly. It doesn't help that it was my fault. Everyone is okay. I'm the most hurt out of everyone, which seems fitting. And I'd rather be more hurt than the other people. I'm still alive and I thought I would be dead.

I haven't even begun to feel like I don't have a car. It's like the imaginary stump of a part of you that was cut off. It still itches. I want to go down to Sal and take out my CD's or get my jacket. I don't even know where they've taken my car. I'm waiting on the police to call me and get more information about what happened.

The buses aren't running. So, does anyone want to volunteer and be my chauffeur? I'll pay for gas. And maybe this time, I won't get lost.

2003-11-02T21:16:00.000-08:00

"It's bad hat not signing the back of your card" I chide a customer.
"I didn't sign? Oh, let me now" he says. He takes the pen and sweeps two initials on the back that hardly resemble his own.
"That's your signature?" I ask. I know it's somewhat rude, but I'm generally likeable, so he responds:
"Let me tell you something. I used to tool around Montreal in the, uh, 70's with Guy Laliberte.*"

Okay, do you guys get how that was the answer to my question?

*Guy Laliberte created Cirque du Soleil

2003-10-29T16:08:00.000-08:00

Different computers have different interfaces and I'm at the blogger interface I hate. Mainly because you can't edit when you hit Preview Your Post. But that's neither here nor there.

I got a call yesterday from a friend asking if I were "in the fire". Although the fire has been burning for a while, she'd only just received news of it. This was the first time my Georgia-California news/space continuum didn't work. I assumed that this hugantic fire was in ALL of the news everywhere. Apparently, California is the only state that cares... well Nevada. Las Vegas revenue is down.

Arnold was in Washington DC trying to drum up support. I think the thing I like most about our new governor is how he says California. I must have heard it 15 times in one sentence. Dwarfing his uncle-in-law Ted Kennedy, he tries to restrain himself, but is eventually forced to utter "I'll be back". I'm glad he's the California governor for the California people, striving in California to make California the greatest California in the world.

Yesterday I looked outside and wondered why the sun was acting like it was 5:00pm. It was only 2pm. I had the fleeting thought that God was busy proving something to somebody and my time was going to suffer for it. "They said back one hour!" I thought, "not forward 3 hours." Then someone mentioned the smoke and ash in the sky, which is almost indistinguishable from the smog, except for the blocking the sun part.... but I've only been here three months. This was the first time there was some evidence other than ash settling on our cars.

I watched the reports today as I was getting ready. It is a huge thing looking to be about 10 million in damages. Wow. I don't know why, but this whole fire thing is making me dislike insurance companies. They take hundreds of dollars from millions of people each year, many times not having to pay anything to them and when a disaster of this proportion comes up, they want to find the cheap way out. But then again, I don't work in insurance. Maybe if I did, I would feel the same way.

I'm fine. Three months... that's a long time. I guess I'm here to stay. PeeEss, if any of you readers (any one of the 13 who still show up) have ways to get airline tickets that make them much, much cheaper, I could use a roundtrip to GA for christmas. I miss them. And that's the most surprising thing of all.

2003-10-28T18:36:00.000-08:00

I bought the November issue of Gourmet magazine. I thought I would make brownies for a certain Halloween Party, but I may be inspired to do something else. We shall see where the cooking muse carries me.

Now, if only I can get past the Nautica Home pages... Or stop turning back to the Godiva oysters page....

Godiva oysters.....

2003-10-27T14:09:00.000-08:00

"I've noticed alot of changes in you."
"Yeah, like what?"
"Well, for one thing, your mind isn't as eccentric."
I laugh, somewhat surprised that someone else would use the word eccentric for me and wondering how my mind was eccentric.
"Yeah? How was my mind eccentric?"
"Whenever I used to come over and have a conversation with you, your mind would go on so many tangents that I would wonder WHAT is she talking about? I used to have to work to find the links between each tangent."
"Really? I thought you always got whatever I was saying."
"I did, but I had to work at it. I even told JP once, "You should talk to Angel. She's really interesting to talk to. I think she might be insane."

2003-10-08T16:09:00.000-07:00

The other night, I had a dream that I was helping dead people solve crimes....

WTH?????

I remember when I used to dream that giant spiders on Gilligan Island were trying to get me. I remember having the falling dream when you wake up just before you hit, I remember having the bathroom dream so realistic you almost didn't wake up. I remember having a dream that Forest Whittaker was an FBI agent who was looking for my brother. He'd stolen government secrets and put them in a notebook in code. It was all about Chaos Theory and they thought I knew where my brother was and they followed me around to see if I would lead them to him. But I didn't, getting the notebook and saving my brother before the dream ended.

Now I'm having crazy dreams???? It must be California.

I had a dream last night that Arnold Swarzenegger was the governor. When will it end???

2003-10-08T15:59:00.000-07:00

If I Were a Pirate (courtesy What's My Pirate Name)

I would be called

Iron Prudentilla Bonney

A pirate's life isn't easy; it takes a tough person. That's okay with you, though, since you are that person. You can be a little bit unpredictable, but a pirate's life is far from full of certainties, so that fits in pretty well. Arr!

hmmm, interesting

(Found via Karlene!)

2003-10-07T19:02:00.000-07:00

Psalm 143

"Hear my prayer, O Lord. Give ear to my supplication! In your faithfulness answer me, and in your righteousness."

My soul has long been in the pit, hammered pitilessly by the enemy.

"For the enemy has persecuted my soul."

The joy of this assignment from God was overtaken by joy in something else and I could not see the glory of God here when I see Him dancing elsewhere, His Spirit enjoying the fruit of His labour away from me.

"Therefore my spirit is overwhelmed within me; my heart within me is distressed."

I could see His glory, yet He was pulling me away from it to this strange, unfamiliar place. I was plunged into hardship, testing, and trial. Though my soul did not rejoice in me, I caught a glimpse of joy when I discovered that God is good to me even with physical evidence to show to others. God has taken care of my needs in unexpected ways. He has shown His light here, but I chose to ignore it.

"I remember the days of old; I meditate on all Your works; I muse on the work of Your hands. I spread out my hands to You. My soul longs for you like a thirsty land."

I am so empty, though I am full. I long for more, much more than I thought I could hold. The glimmer of truth is that I can, since my ability to eat is not greater than what I can hold. God calls to me daily when I wake to speak with him. But I rebel, I tarry, I sleep, like a fool. This is a time to reap a crop, yet my fields are decrepit.

"Answer me speedily, O Lord; My spirit fails! Do not hide Your face from me, lest I be like those who go down into the pit. Cause me to hear Your lovingkindness in the morning,"

Every morning, without fail, God visits His lovingkindness upon me. Every morning, I get up, take what I need and go. God's Spirit chided that I am not so selfish. Such a comforter I know I don't deserve. But this Comforter pulls me into God's embrace. I see His displeasure. I see my sins. I have not turned away. I have pushed them into an obscure part of the temple, hidden them under my heart. But Christ and sin cannot be together and Christ fills my heart.

"Teach me to do Your will. For You are my God. Your spirit is good. Lead me in the land of uprightness."

"Revive me, O Lord, for Your name's sake! For Your righteousness sake, bring my soul out of trouble"

"Do not enter into judgement with Your servant, for in Your sight, no one living is righteous."

God is my light and my salvation, but I have fear. Whom shall I fear is the right answer. God has been patient with me, increasing my fear of Him so that my soul, eager for mere of Him, has answered in obedience even as my mind cringes at what's ahead. My heart is fairly bursting to be about God's work, eagerly waiting for me to come in, as the priests did the temple in Hezekiah's day, and clear out the junk that I have placed near it. My soul is clearing it's voice to sing in praise, shout for joy and my body is preparing itself for worship, because we've been here before. We know what this means.

There will be pain, therein my mind balks. But there will be joy, encompassing the whole of pain. There will be light, an ever increasing light. God does not lie. I believe Him, and I will diligently seek Him and He will reward me with His presence; I believe His reward is with Him.

"For I am Your servant."

2003-10-06T16:31:00.000-07:00

I got lost in UCLA trying to find the Writer's Store.

For 30 minutes.

The End.

2003-10-06T15:59:00.000-07:00

My alarm clock goes off very loudly, jarring me from sleep, at the nearly unGodly hour of 6:40am. Not two seconds later, my cell phone rings. I answer.
"It's not worth it." I whine in my best early morning growl/whine, the only voice I have early in the morning. I don't see the sun and I've only gotten 4 hours of sleep. I'm sure it's somebody's fault but I'm too tired to remember whose. My statement receives a laugh.
"I feel like that every morning I wake up."
"I don't wanna go." I whine/growl again, reverting to a 10 year old. I pull myself out of bed anyway.
"Are you sure about that?"
"Yes." I pout.
"Go back to sleep then."
"Really?" I say, turning back towards bed and the warm covers.
"Really." I hear the laugh again.
"Thank you." I sigh, pretty sure I'm asleep before I hear the reply.

Who needs to go to the dentist anyway???

2003-10-06T15:50:00.000-07:00

The other day, I thought I was standing next to Michael Keaton. "Boy, he's short." I thought. Then, as time began to pass, I determined that he was not Michael Keaton. I later found out I was correct, but I guessed it right because I did not have the overwhelming urge to spill something on him, knock him over, give him a black eye, or any of the other clumsy things that unnaturally happen when I'm around someone who is famous.

Speaking of clumsy and knocking someone famous down...

Guess who, while getting frustrated that the bookstore she was in didn't have any real resources for television writing, turns angrily to talk to the customer service counter guy, almost knocking over David Arquette and a Rolling Stones (the band, not the magazine) display? Without touching either one?

Yeah, I'm talented.

I wish I were awed by famous people. Instead of intent on hurting them.

2003-09-22T16:45:00.000-07:00

It was depressing watching the Emmy's last night and seeing everyone that has died. I liked the tributes to those who were still alive though, that was nice. I think there should be more tributes to those who are alive...

2003-09-22T14:10:00.000-07:00

Since I moved to California, there is one thing I haven't done that needed doing. Yesterday I got the chance to do it. I paid my tithe... it was only an "offering" to the church I was at, since I'm not a member anywhere yet, but I was able to offer, willingly, my gift to God. It was precious and I missed it much more than I suspected. I was really excited about being able to put my check into the collection plate when it passed, excited because it meant God provided, God is taking care of things. So I gave.

Speaking of checks... I decided to bank with a specific bank, especially after certain problems with my current bank. We clash, my bank and I. I think it's time to break up, but I don't know how to say it other than to get another bank. Oh, my bank is still useful for some things, but I need to move on. I moved to a bank that gives me cash and lets me deposit and gives me free smiles... I mean, what more can you ask for? So I tried to set up an account this past Friday, but that went nowhere fast. I didn't know you had to sign in and by the time I did, I was further down on the list than I should have been. But that didn't matter because, in the hour I was there, they only got to one person that was waiting before I showed up. That's much too slow. I ended up going to a branch downtown and it looked so nice and welcoming that I was glad of my choice.

Working for the Cirque is hot work. Not hard work. What's hard about standing around and talking to people about a show where all anyone can say is good things? What's hard about working a touch screen cash register that lets you ESC if you do something wrong? But what's hot about working under a tent with no air or fans and only an air circulation unit (circulating hot air, I might add) on concrete in California in the middle of the day? The plus? It's not Georgia. A theory has been postulated that the California sun is the sun billions of miles away from the earth, hot, but manageable. The Georgia sun, however, is a microwave, hoping to eat your big guts and your little guts and the only way to escape is to stay inside. Even at night. Just a theory, but I thought you'd be interested, dear internet.

I'm kinda excited about working for the Cirque with Halloween just around the corner. I have a plethora of cool masks to choose from. I already have ideas. I just need money... or sew-ers... Or something...

Last week was great. I loved every minute of it. Even working all day at the office and then the Cirque. My feet never felt better. Thanks.

2003-09-19T12:50:00.000-07:00

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht teh frist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey lteter by it slef but the wrod as a wlohe. ceehiro

Courtesy: Kevin

2003-09-12T14:37:00.000-07:00

Johnny Cash is dead... although I suspected it after his wife died.
John Ritter is dead... Katharine Hepburn is dead, Gregory Hines is dead, Gregory Peck is dead... it's not so funny how life catches you at a moment and reveals the fragility of humanity. It's amazing how much I take for granted on a daily basis and how shocking death is to me when it happens to the famous.

Very audible gasps and very nearly tears. That's how I felt yesterday and today. I did and did not like the 9-11 tributes, all at the same time. The closeness and intimacy of the tributes were much more welcome than the America is Great fanfare of last year, but somehow, the way they got America's emotions this year, having the children, young sibling, or young family members of those who died read their names, felt exploitative. Two years ago yesterday, I could not give my attention to the planes hitting the world trade center because the things happening at home were much more pressing, much more poignant. I did not do any form of mourning, although I did a bit of empathizing, but only a month later.

I don't know when this thing I have with death will be resolved... or if it should. Death is almost a friend, not a good friend, not my favourite friend, but someone who does not make me uncomfortable if I happen to see him from time to time. I'm not sure I like Death visiting some of my favourite famous people, but I'm not one to complain too loudly.

Cause you can't hear me on the internet.

2003-09-12T13:13:00.000-07:00

Falling En Tomber Amour, or What I Discovered While Working For Cirque

If you walk out of your bathroom stall and there happen to be two guys washing their hands in front of you (you being a girl) AND they happen to spy you in the mirror, simply shrug your shoulders, wink and wash your hands beside them. They are sure to laugh with you and not at you.

I think the people that were hired to work with Cirque du Soleil were much more interesting than the people who actually perform in the circus. The guy who is a hip hop artist that didn't cut his phone off or the girl who spent the entire register training flirting with him... the girl who can't talk below a shout... the girl who knows how to do EVERYTHING... the girl who speaks in conjunction with you when you are explaining something... the guy who is deathly afraid of having to wrap something in tissue paper... The girl who is in merchandising who is afraid of masks... The list goes on.

And no, the girl who knows EVERYTHING is not me...

2003-09-09T10:50:00.000-07:00

Come Rain or Come Shine
Billie Holiday

I'm gonna love you,
Like nobody's loved you
Come rain or come shine
High as a mountain, deep as a river
Come rain or come shine

I guess when you met me
It was just one of those things
But don't you ever bet me
'Cause I'm gonna be true if you let me

You're gonna love me,
Like nobody's loved me
Come rain or come shine
We'll be happy together, unhappy together
Now won't that be just fine

The days may be cloudy or sunny
We're in or out of the money
But I'm with you always
I'm with you rain or shine

2003-09-05T17:49:00.000-07:00

~~I think I should ask MapQuest for sponsorship. Invariably, everytime I use their directions, I get lost.~~ Thanks to Michael, this post should now read: Today's random, gas guzzling, drive is brought to you in part by MapQuest... because that's much funnier than mine.

Soul Trail sold out to Old Navy. No, I will NOT be getting on the Cargo Train.

I saw the Smallville episode where Christopher Reeve guest starred. The did this close-up on him and they started playing the superman music. Chills

2003-09-05T17:37:00.000-07:00

I got there on time. Which was 15 minutes before I was supposed to be interviewed. I stood in line dutifully, semi aware that the guy behind me was staring at my butt. The line moved forward and so did I. The guy in front of me, though intrigued by the moving forward bit, decided to step back. Right onto my foot. Hard. The guy turned around, all apology and I gave an Oscar worthy smile and told him not to worry about it. He turns around relieved and I slip off my shoe to rub my aching toes.

"If I knew you better, I would offer to rub your feet, but since I don't know you, I won't make the offer." The guy behind me says. He's stopped looking at my butt, I think to myself.
"Oh, well, too bad." I say.
"You know I specialize in feet. It's what I do. Rub women's feet."
I give him the "yeah right" look, with a slight half smile that lets him know I'm holding back my laughter.
"I'm serious." he says, his face straight and on the level.
"I'll bet you are." I say, again with a half smile.
"I do. It's what I like best. I would rather rub women's feet than men. I know how important it is to them. I come from a big family, 10 sisters and 2 brothers. My sisters have told me it's important. So did my mom, and my mom wouldn't lie to me."
"Your mom is right."
"I'm from New York, where are you from?"
"Georgia."
"Atlanta? Fulton County!"
I stare at him, thinking, "what?" but I give him the most uninterested smile I can.
"I can tell by looking at you that you know how to cook." he says. Had the brownie I'd just eaten gone to my hips already? I thought.
"Yes, I can cook."
"And is there someone who get the special privilege of tasting whatever you cook?" he asks, moving slightly closer.
"Yes." I say as if there is some regret, while dutifully moving forward in the line and getting ready to say my name.
"Oh, that's too bad." he says and then it's my turn and I am out of his life forever.

I think my interview went well. I will know tomorrow night if I will be working with Cirque du Soleil. The people who were doing the interviews were very interesting. Being a french Canadian circus, with NO animals (awww, I wanted to see the elephants), many people spoke french and that was nice. I hope I get to practice my french.

2003-09-02T15:26:00.000-07:00

I went to one of the offices I volunteer at, solely to do job searching. (They allow it, it's okay). I went into the director's office to print something and she told me that, because of my work last week, she wanted to pay me a stipend of $100. "Would that be okay?" she asked. I just nod, stunned. I walked into the room I was working in and told the program coordinator that they loved me because they were giving me a stipend. He grins and says, "See, He may not come when you want Him..." I shake my head, telling him that was lame, but I am more than happy.

Then, I am called back into her office as she proposes that I work part time with her for the next two weeks in which I would get $300 dollars a week.

Oh yeah, I'm going for ice cream.

2003-09-02T12:16:00.000-07:00

Have you ever had one of those mornings where your eyes barely open and you can only think and understand in one word increments? "Up!" "Bath" "Eat" "Phone"...

That was me this morning. I could still feel the "not rest" sitting behind my eyes. This does not bode well for the rest of the day.

2003-08-29T18:06:00.000-07:00

Alright, you caught me. I've been a bad host. You come to visit me and I shuffle you off to other sites. Although I'm sure you laughed... admit it, you laughed.

Things are just going slowly for me. So I will have to relate the goings on of those around me.

Spencer's car was broken into the other morning. Many things were stolen. The next day, a woman found his coat, his wallet, but not his cell phone, in her yard. I asked him if he was insulted that the thief just tossed his coat over a fence. He said, "No, but in the city where a good script can be gold, I'm kinda insulted that he didn't even touch my script."

I found out that online people are "not real", they are just figments of our imaginations... *phew* I'm glad you guys finally know the truth...

I haven't been doing much. I talked to my mom yesterday and she told me not to "overdo" it. I didn't really know what she was talking about so she said that if I was falling asleep during my quiet times with God, then I was doing too much. I kind of laughed and said "No." I was a bit emphatic... I've had plenty of time with God and it grows richer. Pas de probleme. Then she asked me to explain about the Cirque De Soleil jobs that will be interviewing next week. (Although I have gotten used to contortion by learning to shave in my little shower, I am not going to join the circus. The job is for ushers, ticket-takers, make some money so you don't get booted out of LA work) She then began to warn me that circus people were different that regular folks. I started laughing... really loudly. It's a shame really, 'cause I knew it would cost me a lecture, but oh, it was rich deep laughter that I don't have too often here. Mom actually accused me of "taking it easy" and "living it up"... Boy, I will hate to hear her comments when I actually have money and am not at home... ever...

I am constantly amazed by driving here. Sometimes it's cutthroat and sometimes it's Sunday Driver meandering when you have the space to floor it. Rush hour is no joke. And the same foolish things that mess up traffic in other states mess it up here. You just know it's gonna happen every day. So you bring some good music. Or listen to a good sermon or talk radio. You save your coffee and pop-tart for the car. You get the thumbs up signal from that guy that's been right beside you for the past 30 minutes. And when it's time to exit, you try not to choke, and actually Go, after you Look and Blink.

Surprisingly enough, I haven't watched all of the movies I checked out yet, but I'm curious about Fear and Loathing now. However, Act One has not had Fear and Loathing donated, so I would actually have to pay money. So if you are someone who would be willing to let me borrow your copy of Fear and Loathing (VHS, cause I'm still poor), then I would be very appreciative. Barring that, I will just have to ask my out of town visitor to rent it for me at the visiting time. I'm sure noone will mind.

By the way, I found out that I should be able to "write off" all entertainment expenses such as going to movies, renting movies, and buying writing and movie and television magazines... awww heck... tax write off... it could work! So, if any kind soul would like to sponsor my ~~habit~~ research... hmmm, well, it was worth a try.

2003-08-27T15:00:00.000-07:00

The best seating chart ever and the best stories. I laugh and think everytime I read. Go. Read. You won't regret it.

2003-08-27T11:23:00.000-07:00

I remember having a conversation about Mya's song with a couple of friends when we ~~made the mistake~~ happened to turn to MTv and saw the video for My Love Is Like Whoa. I think this post says exactly what we talked about, but it added an element of Keanu that I hadn't seen since the Matrix:Reloaded. Can you imagine making an entire theatre laugh because during one of Neo's reflective moments, a row of 8 people said Keanu's Bill and Ted "Whoa" at the same time? I thought not. Now, go read and enjoy.

2003-08-27T11:07:00.000-07:00

This Story could be true or fake. I don't know. But if it is true, then I want all of you people who think spiders are benign, Charlotte's Web-y creatures to apologize to me right now. If you laughed because I wanted the tiniest spider dead, apologize. If you didn't kill a spider for me, but put it outside, apologize. If you stood under a big spider building a web carrying on a conversation and laughed because I wouldn't go near that killer, apologize. Now. You owe me!

If it's not true, do you really fear ants and flies more than spiders? I didn't think so. Apologize!

PeeEss, read the comments. They're pretty funny

2003-08-26T16:01:00.000-07:00

"So, do you want to hear what movies I checked out or not?" I asked.
"Tell me," he says.
"I got Sabrina, the new one with Harrison Ford. Casablanca, I haven't seen that one yet..."
"I have to admit I haven't seen it either."
"Carlito's Way..."
"You haven't seen Carlito's Way?"
I give him a look he can't see through the phone, but he hears it and laughs.
"Rounders, Sleepy Hollow, Saving Grace... it's supposed to be about a woman who grows pot to make some extra money."
"That's dank."
"Yeah, uhhh, dank," I laugh. "Hannah and Her Sisters... Woody Allen did that one. I just hope it's one of his funnier, earlier work."
"A lot of people I know think Woody Allen is pretty much overrated. But he's been around long enough that it may be alright."
"Hmmm... The Miracle Maker, you know, the claymation Jesus movie... Very good. It always makes me cry."
"What doesn't? What else?" he asks before I could make a snide comment in return.
"The Mighty with Sharon Stone and Kieran Culkin... I saw a preview for it when I watched Simon Birch, ummm Anywhere But Here with Susan Sarandon and Padma from Star Wars and uhh, the Avengers."
"The Avengers... you'll watch ANYTHING won't you?"

2003-08-22T16:17:00.000-07:00

There are certain hazards that come about when you are able to be reached at any time on any given day. Case in point, I received this phone call Wednesday morning, exactly like this...
RING
Me: Hello?
Caller: Who is this?
Me: This is Angel, who is this?
Caller: This is Jim's baby momma... may I speak to him?
Me: I'm sorry, you have the wrong cell phone.
Caller: Oh. *click*

I thought I left that back in Georgia... I guess not. Sounds like something Who Else would say *grin*

2003-08-22T16:12:00.000-07:00

I know this is a bit mundane, being that I still haven't found a job, rent is due next week and I don't have any interviews until September, but my iron is very weird. It lights up when it's on. When it's ready to be used. But every time I iron with it, the light goes off. When it's not in use, whether it's upright or lying down, the light is on. When I use it to iron, the light goes off.

What's up with that? Can't even my household appliances be normal?

In other news, the view from my balcony still continues to fill me with hope.

2003-08-18T11:06:00.000-07:00

Not having a job makes Angel a movie watchin' fool! Ah well, it gets better, I hear. Anyhoo, I'm pretty psyched because I was able to check out Sleepy Hollow from the Act One library. I'm interested in it now because Johnny Depp said that while playing the character of Ichabod Crane, he pretended to be a 13 year old girl. He said something about expecting to be caught every day but they loved the character.

I thought it would be interesting, especially after seeing his character for Pirates of the Caribbean, which I loved. The movie was very funny to me and his character makes me want to watch anything he does, even "Once Upon A Time In Mexico"... I know you're surprised. You should be. I'm not sure if I want to watch "Fear and Loathing..." though.

2003-08-18T10:51:00.000-07:00

I watched Simon Birch this past Saturday. It was a pretty good movie, and pretty funny... However, when the moment came when we realized Simon was actually going to be a hero, that God really did have a specific purpose for his life and his size (I was afraid that he was just going to die and become a hero because of all the lives he'd touched), I burst into tears.

Raise your hands if you're surprised...

Mike and Jacob, nobody asked you!

2003-08-14T18:05:00.000-07:00

I had the hardest time today dealing with one person in particular. The way he talked to me seemed designed to make me feel stupid. Don't get me wrong. He doesn't do this just to me, he does it to everyone, but today, I couldn't take it. He doesn't just give instructions, he gives instruction manuals... and the things aren't that tough. Granted, if I didn't know anything about copiers or computers, then I would need what he offers, but he hasn't even bothered to see what I know, but will go through every single facet of every single thing he does. Kind of like he's showing off, but in a humble way. And he's really just trying to be helpful, I think, but it irritated me so much today that at one point, I just interrupted everything he said with "OK"... he called me on it and I felt somewhat contrite. I went back to nodding and pretending to listen. Why was it so hard to be nice to him today?

2003-08-14T18:00:00.000-07:00

Nobody said it was easy... it's really easy to get lost in LA. That's just for the record.

Yesterday, I went to Kinko's to send off a FedEx package. The guy behind the counter was super nice in the fake way. The way that takes you aback for a moment because it's so obviously fake. You think to yourself, "He doesn't think he's fooling anyone does he?" What was worse is that he was scolding me in that super fake niceness. "You forgot to declare what's in the package" he says, all sing songy. He hands me two pieces of paper as well as the FedEx slip and asks me to fill it out. Of course, I don't know what is in it because I'm just the courier, not the sender, so I have to walk out (because my cell phone never picks up in buildings in Culver City) to call the production company and find out what's in the package.... (did a stranger pack your FedEx envelope? Was the envelope ever out of your possession?)..... but as I was standing outside trying to do my volunteer work (since I don't get paid or have a job), this guy says, "Hey! What's your name?" "Angel." "Are you really an angel?" he asks, as if he were being very original. The look on my face told him he wasn't. He persisted. "Can I get you to go to dinner with me, a movie, something?" he says. "With that opening line, I think not." I reply. It was too hot for all of that.

All that, and it was just a DVD.

2003-08-13T15:11:00.000-07:00

I think the exit onto my street from one of the places I volunteer is the most dangerous off-ramp I've ever encountered. I'm getting off, two lanes want to get on, two lanes turn into one when another, separate lane is merging and then getting on to the interstate... I think I've almost killed like 5 people and been almost killed 3 times myself. Don't worry, we're all fine... a little rage-y, but fine.

I've been having alot of fun working around different places. Once again, too bad I don't get paid for it. I did some script editing and the writer wasn't too displeased with what I had to say... which may or may not be a sign of how awful I am at it, but, you know... I know the people I help out love me, love that I'm doing everything for free, love that I work hard... And it's satisfying to go home tired from doing something other than being lazy. I can't wait until I'm actually working and can enjoy this city like it should be enjoyed. I've seen so many places I want to eat at, I can't wait to go to every museum and to be able to sit in a theatre, watch a movie... I will make Universal City Walk a day... eat, movies, play, drink. All right there. Bring it on.

It's fun imagining what I will do when I have the resources.
I joined the Hollywood Prayer Network, so I will be emailing some of you about praying for me or another Christian in the Industry and if anyone else would like to be involved in praying for those who consider Hollywood as much a mission field as Africa, or even where you live, then please check out the Hollywood Prayer Network website. Cool beans.

Plus, I don't have a coffepot. How wrong is that!

2003-08-11T19:11:00.000-07:00

I wanted to mention Babette's Feast. It's the story of a French Chef that gives all she has for others. It was quite touching and very spiritual, well it made you think differently about the choices you make and I'm young enough to rethink my choices, unlike some of the people in the story. It's a foreign film and the one I watched right before Metropolis. The feast itself made me jealous. One day, I will plan a grand feast for 12 of my closest friends (although I'm sure I won't have to give all to do so), just to show them how much I love them. Maybe I'll do a part for 25... I dunno. I think in 3 years, I should be ready to do that.

I think I will try to find M (as Greg mentioned in comments). I have a bunch of movies in my car right now to catch up on. There are also some movies I want to see again, like Sneakers (which I loved) and Sixth Sense (now that it won't scare me). Anyway, I also have a script to read and edit. Isn't that fun... I wish I were doing this as a real job... but at least I'm busy and that's what I like.

2003-08-10T22:48:00.001-07:00

Happy Birthday, Mike... errr Michael!!!
And many more!

2003-08-10T22:48:00.000-07:00

Okay, so God was laughing. He made that very evident with the sermon this morning. Well, I guess you could say it was more like chuckling, but, you know. That's alright.

Soooo, after two long years and several emails, I finally got to see Seth and Jaki again today. It was awesome to see them. We ended up not going out to eat, which was for the best because I couldn't afford to. Jaki brought a student to church today and she took him back so we didn't plan to meet. She called me this morning to let me know that she couldn't make lunch, which was okay for me. I thought I was going to get a phone call earlier today, but I didn't. I was a bit disappointed, but after watching the GodfatherII, everything was okay.

I really liked Robert DeNiro's character in the movie. He was very striking in the role of Vito Corleone. The one thing I hate about the special edition Godfather tapes is that they talk about the "making" of the movie, giving away all details of it. I mean, I skipped it, having learned my lesson from Godfather I, but I went back to watch it and I woulda been plenty angry if I'd watched it first like they put it on the tape. Why not at the end? I mean, everyone in the world hasn't seen the Godfathers yet! C'mon, paisan!

I watched Metropolis the other day. It was alright, but not as grandiose as I expected. Watching a silent movie is alot like watching a foreign film. You know they are saying more than the words on the bottom of the screen (or on the whole screen in the case of silent movies) indicate. They almost make you want to do a MST3K thing and make up your own lines. The only think I want to know is who did the music. I loved every piece, even if I didn't think they all fit some of the scenes. The girl did a good job of playing her good self and her evil self though. Very real. Very expressive. My favourite part of the whole movie.

The breakdown of Michael Corleone... now, I want to call every Mike I know Michael. And I want to tell someone they broke my heart with the same passion that Michael Corleone had when saying it.

I also watched Lenny, which was the Lenny Bruce story, with Dustin Hoffman. Pretty good actually. Good writing, good visuals, much too sexy for me in many aspects. I liked their take on what he was trying to do. I loved how they did the interviews... because this story was alot more explanations than normal stories. I think the woman who played Honey Bruce deserved her nomination. She did a stand-up job. The woman who plays Lenny's mother also said a line that got you right near the end. All in all, a pretty good piece of work.

I want to watch the stars tonight, but there is too much city in the way. Maybe someone could look at the stars for me, tell me how they are.

2003-08-09T22:33:00.000-07:00

I feel like a turtle, peeking my head out every few days to say hello to the internet, so that the few of you reading won't give up on me, waiting for the day when I can start blogging full time, like I did before.

I'll bet some of you miss the multiple posts a day, not ever being able to catch up because there will be 5 new posts in a few minutes, etc.

I miss it. I'm still writing though. Maybe I will get a job soon and I won't feel as dejected as I do. Maybe I won't get a job soon, get on welfare and let your tax dollars support my writing dreams. Either one could happen, watch out!

Ah well. I was thinking about setting up a hummingbird feeder... some sugar water in a dish hanging from my balcony roof. I'd like to look at the hummingbirds and stare past them to the mountains that are just barely in my view, ignoring the La Cucaracha icecream truck that goes blaring down the street of the 5 year olds cursing up a storm.

I'd be happy just to be busy, leaving my room every day. I filled the time today, making cookies for my housemates, writing for a few hours, watching videos, praying and reading. For those of you keeping track, I'm done with Genesis (but I would have told you about it when you called). Exodus! woo-hoo!

I'm in discovery phase. I generally dislike discovery phase because I discover some nasty, hidden thing about me and get to experience the purging of it out of me. I feel constantly as if I will break and I don't know if that is good or not, if that means I'm open to God or not. But it's there. I wish I were stronger, but that's the point, right? That I not be strong, that I be continually weak. I'm learning, but how do you keep standing up after being beaten down with the 2by4 of life? Should you stand up, knowing you'll just be hit again? That the reprieves are short-lived? That the next test is just around the corner? I'd give anything for some surety, although, you know, everytime I ask for confirmation, I get the image of God sitting back and smiling...not the "what are you doing" smile, but the confident smile, as if everything's going to be okay. You know when you're watching children and they don't get tying their shoes. And you try to help them and they get frustrated and feel like they'll never do it, but you know they will because you've seen it happen over and over and over again? Yeah, I know analogies.... but what would I do without them?

hmmm, just rambling folks. Just rambling.

2003-08-06T12:21:00.001-07:00

I need a haircut. Split ends are driving me CRAZY!

Just thought you should know.

2003-08-06T12:21:00.000-07:00

The most interesting aspect of moving here is looking for a church home. I've always just followed my mom, even when I was old enough to make my own decisions. Now, I'm looking for a church that will fit my needs as well as give me an outlet to serve the way I've been gifted to serve. It's not an easy task, I tell you.

One of the more helpful elements is that one of the associate ministers at my church has a brother who is a minister here as well. So I have a place to go that will be almost exactly like home. The problem is, I don't want exactly like home. Oh, of course there are some things I want to duplicate, like intense study, sermons that are in the word, Bible studies that feed me, but I would like a younger congregation. I would like more people closer to my age and position in life. At my church, I was the only one in my age range that was not a single mother or married for many years with children. At the church I know I can go to, I think I am the only one my age for miles. Miles, I tell you.

So I called up the couple that I know here, wanting to check out their church. My plan was to check out their church and then find the church I visited often when I was here 3 years ago. When I got in touch with my friend, she invited me to church before I could ask and then told me the name of her church. They'd just joined a new church and, surprise of all surprises, it was the church that I'd visited often 3 years ago. I'm pleased with this turn of events. So I will be visiting again this sunday. I will not commit myself to a church just yet though. I will give it a few weeks so that I can really hear where I should go. But I'm really excited about my church going prospects. I'm glad this, too, was an easy thing.

Now, if only I could find a good salon...

2003-08-06T12:12:00.000-07:00

The SBC guy came back.

When they guy came to check my phone and put it on the right line, he also came up to fix the static in my line. When he left, he gave me his card, offering to come out whenever to fix my line if I had any more problems.

When I got home last night, there was another card on the front table. It was addressed to me (Apt. 11). It was an identical card as before, but with writing on it that said to call if I had any problems. Since this struck me as odd (and slightly irritating, since I already was told the same thing earlier), I told a friend about it. He said two words.

Cable Guy.

I've never seen this movie. I think I may need to watch it. I hope Matthew Broderick makes up for Jim Carrey in this one...

2003-08-06T12:08:00.000-07:00

Well, I've managed to procrastinate my way to no face time with the independent film that I will probably be volunteering with. I think that was Sunday. I will just be doing production assistant stuff. Now, if only that were a paying job.

I spent a long time at the beach. It was FREEZING. I mean, in that short span of time, I left sunny California and ended up in frigid Malibu. Instead of writing, I took my recorder and talked the whole time. And the blanket I was going to sit on in the sand while enjoying the sun went around my shoulders. Somebody shoulda warned me!

But watching the sun set was phenomenal. It was a wash of colours agains the blue sky. The moon was already out and the mountains glowed in the light. It was all amber and purples and reds and golden and when the mountains fully contained the sun, the clouds caught on fire. It was a sight like I'd never seen. The only expression of joy I could muster was tears. Tears have been coming easily, fortunately as easily as laughter. The sound of the waves, the roar of the wind, the smell of the salt in the air were just as I'd imagined it on the many drives back home. All of these called to me from so far away, almost an assurance that this is where I'm supposed to be. It's been much harder than I imagined, leaving home, being here, but it's been much easier than I deserve. I am overwhelmed by the magnitude of my good fortune and overwhelmed by the deluge of grace.

I miss though. Miss with such longing that it is everything to stay here, to not call constantly, to not turn every thought to home. To write, to keep busy, to pray and search for a job... these are the only things that stand between me and leaving. This is all I have and it is becoming enough. I don't believe I will ever stop missing, but I do believe the missing will grow less.

I love my new home. As I stood on the beach, the wind whipping my hair into a frenzy and drying the tears on my face, I could not help but smile. I am here. This is home. This is where I should be. I smile bigger and look around. The lifeguard driving by catches my smile and waves. Just like home. Thank you.

2003-08-05T14:40:00.000-07:00

Today, I was able to call Brian and tell him that I would not be answering his calls anymore! Woohoo. If I had a glass of wine... I would ask for the bottle. I need it. My phone has been ringing off the hook and none of them for me. Do you know what this DOES to a girl???

I'm just kidding. But I was glad to see the SBC guy come and get it all straightened out. He even offered to help keep static out of the line without me going through the normal repair guy service routine. That's nice.

I watched Vertigo. I have to say, everytime I see something from Hitchcock, I am blown away. And, up until the very end, I was only mystified... but then, he blew me away. I love Hitchcock.

I also finally saw Being John Malkovich. I laughed... out loud and hard. I am amazed... I was amazed. I loved this movie. Tonight, I'm going to watch Metropolis. I can't wait.

I went on the Radio Shack job interview. It could go either way. I think that the guy who interviewed me liked what I had to say. I think I even sold him on a product that I knew about. They are just getting it in but, working in news, I used it all the time and knew about it. However, the point against me is that I want to work in Hollywood, as in, if I get a job in production and it interferes too much with Radio Shack, then I will quit the Shack... What a dilemma for them...

I'm at the Act One office and I'm supposed to be looking for jobs, but I'm catching you guys up on me. I know some of you want to know. Sorry it's so long between posts, but you guys have GOT to pray harder if you want me to get a computer... c'mon now, put your knees into it!

All kidding aside, God has been extremely good to me. There is no fear (yet) and I can almost feel the support of prayers lifting me each day.

Brad Garrett - He was funny. Very funny. It is fascinating to me just how much of an acting job he's doing on Everybody Loves Raymond. I kind of thought he was in a character close to his persona, but he's not at all. He mainly picked on the audience instead of telling jokes. There was a couple there celebrating their 37th anniversary and he spent most of his night making jokes about them. But it was in good fun and they knew it. However, at the end of his set, he picks up their ticket, pokes fun at what they ordered (how much that is) and then pays for their ticket. That was nice.

Of course, I was too drunk to take it all in.

That was a joke, ma, if you're reading.

After the comedy show, I went to the Equator Coffee House and then to a little restaurant down the street. I have to thank Carl, one of the writers here with Act One, for getting free passes and inviting me. I also got to go to The Laugh Factory. Free. Thanks Carl.

I hate Carl.

That was a joke... I think.

I may be in an independent film. All because of my big mouth. "Sure, I'll be glad to help in any way I can... Oh, I'm nothing but free.... No, anytime is great..." And so on and so forth. Why don't you people stop me?

Okay.. I think I'm ready to go to Orange County now.

2003-07-31T14:37:00.000-07:00

I have so many people helping me, I don't know if I can stand it. I've only had one job offer, which was part time at RadioShack. I've got questions. But I am considering it for two reasons. Money in right away if I get a job. Discount on a computer, cause I need one.

Now, these two reasons are driving points. I'm using my housemate's laptop, but it's not a continued good idea, simply because I need it more than she could let me use it. I'm being as reasonable as possible, and she is gone alot. But other housemates use it as well. I need my own service, my own connection, my own computer. I have a resume to fix. My disk is broken so I have to start all over. I have stories to type. My hand has grown cramped from writing. I have to figure out something to do Friday. My landlord is painting my room. Maybe drive to Malibu and write. Maybe go to Universal City Walk and watch every movie they have. Maybe go to Santa Monica Pier and get a henna tattoo... Options, lots of options.

I wonder what stories I will have to tell once I leave the house today...

Right now, I'm going to watch the Godfather. Part 1.

2003-07-31T14:30:00.000-07:00

I set up my phone line yesterday. I find it odd that you are supposed to call them to set up your home phone service. If you have to set up your home phone service, doesn't that mean you don't... have... a... phone? Fortunately, my next door neighbor let me use her phone.

Today, my phone rang and I picked it up. Two people were talking. I said hello, but they ignored me. Then a guy called and asked for brian. I told him he had the wrong number. no guys live in this house, thank you very much. Then brian called. Apparently, the number that was called was his number, it was just also connected with my phone. It still is.

We decided that calling the phone company was the best option for this. So I called and talked to someone. She put me on hold to check something out and I hear someone pick up the phone and start dialing. It was a 1-800 number. It was loud. I finally said hello and it was brian. Apparently, our phones are sooo connected that all we have to do is pick up the phone at the same time and we can talk to each other. Boy, I wished that worked with some people in Macon. Save alot of money that way.... But I digress.

So, I did end up having to shave. Yes, I am a contortionist. I've never had to try out my skills before though. I almost fell once. That's a shame. I've added "don't want to die in the shower" to my list of places where I don't want to die.

I got a parking ticket yesterday. Why did I get a parking ticket? Because it is evident that the city of California only cleans one side of the street a day. The other side looks like crap. But my side, the side you weren't supposed to be on so that they could clean, which I was on because I thought the sign on the other side applied to the entire street... yes, that side is as clean as a whistle. I'm too poor to get parking tickets. They don't clean the streets where I'm from. You don't have to clean my side of the street, thank you very much. Ah well, that's okay then. I'll pay it when I can. Parking ticket. Don't that beat all!

Believe it or not I'm really excited to be here. Tonight, I'm going to hear Brad Garrett doing stand up. Do you know why I was invited? Because the other person was interested in Brad Garrett's commenting on my laugh. It's not an unusual laugh, but I was talking with a friend and we decided that I don't have a polite laugh. I laugh all out every time I find something funny. I think it will be interesting as well.

Soooo, what's up with Medeski, Martin, and Wood???

2003-07-29T08:14:00.000-07:00

I'm in Los Angeles

It's raining. Did the rain follow me from Macon?

Anyone in California who would like to treat me to a home cooked meal or take me out to eat for the joy of meeting me may apply in comments. Remember, my schedule - for the time being - is empty. Only YOU can fill it up! Thank you.

I have some stuff to type about my trip from Texas to L.A. I left the words at my apartment and I'm not in the right frame of mind to re-create it.

I have my apartment. It's pretty nice, one bedroom with a balcony. The bathroom is down the hall. The shower is one of those with the clear glass door. You know, the kind that gets covered with steam really quickly... you know, the kind of shower you imagine when you think of a person being murdered in the shower. Cause you know noone was ever killed (for real) when they showered with one of those plastic and cloth shower curtain. I mean, that thing makes so much noise, you could direct the shower spray into the murderer's eyes and escape clean away. See, the thing that's so deceptive about the glass shower door is that you think you can see through it. You feel safe. Anyone comes in, you see them... next thing you know, you have a knife sticking out of your back... it's a shame really. Plus, the shower is so small, I feel like i have to be a contortionist to get clean. I'm going to have to stoop to wash my hair. That's the truth. I feel like a giant in the apartment. I'm the tallest girl there, by FAR. The tallest girl next to me is about 4 inches shorter, but everyone else is about a foot shorter. They are all so cute and I feel like I should put on green and advertise peas. Also, there is no way I'm gonna be able to shave my legs in that thing... so if any of you readers ask to see my legs, I reserve the right to punch you. (And no, I am not violent... cause I'm giving you warning).

Ah well, I'm pleased with my apartment. I'm apartment number 11, which is what sold me right away. (You should have seen the way my mom's eyes rolled when I clued her in to this bit of information.)

Well, I'm at Kinko's spending money I don't have and since I don't want my payment amount to exceed 10 dollars, I am going to leave you until later. Hopefully, I will have a job soon and then will be able to afford a computer... and cable access... because dial up will be the death of me.

2003-07-27T11:26:00.000-07:00

I just wrote a very long post telling you about my mom, my time in Abilene (DON'T GO) my time in Sweetwater, the stars at night in Texas and how hot it is in Tucson... but because blogger is new and I'm dumb, I lost it all.

There are many words I can say right now, non publishable and all would upset my PG rating...

2003-07-25T07:46:00.000-07:00

Posting from Fort Worth, Texas:

I didn't really feel as if I was moving to California. Driving to Atlanta felt like something I did all the time, as if I were going to the High Museum or visiting a friend. Getting on I-20, seeing the signs for Birmingham, made it all the more real. Welcome To Alabama (the beautiful) and I breathe a sigh of belief....

"I've been driving more years than you've been alive." She says, trying to drive Sal with a steaming cup of coffee in one had... the shifting hand.
"Just don't hurt Sal, Momma."
"Hmph!" she murmers. She turns slowly, so slowly the car behind us moves agressively forward and ahead of her, darting across the street to the ramp onto I-20. She turns slowly onto the empty street then heads for the ramp herself. She is in 2nd gear, but Sal is urging her to shift up. She does then presses the gas.
"Why aren't we going faster?"
"Maybe because you have it in 5th gear."
"Oh, that's not 3rd?"
I shake my head.
"That man is watching me." Mom says
"He's probably afraid." I say.
Welcome to Alabama (the beautiful) indeed.

"You're just gonna have to wait Mr. White Truck" mom taunts
The green car ahead of us isn't moving over or going any faster and the Mack Truck just ahead is in the way.
"You just don't know! I'm from Jaw-Juh!"
I give a chuckle, albeit reluctant, which ends in a delicate, elegant, ladylike snort. Alabama (the beautiful) welcomes me.

Mississippi Welcomes You...
.... with a beautiful blue, pink and gold sunset when you cross its borders at 9pm Georgia time. I was awake, my mouth was on fire, my bladder was full. What a way to enter a state. My sister made spicy chicken wings for out trip. Believe me folks, the burn was VERY satisfying. Spicy like you can't get in stores. Thanks sis.

Bienvenue a Louisiane

"Look at the stars, see how they shine for you..."
It was an absolutely beautiful night to drive through Louisiana and think of Scientists.

God Bless Texas...
The state flower of Texas MUST be rest stops. Ah well, we are in Fort Worth now and it's time to sleep. Many many hours on the road makes for a cranky Angel.

But God has been good and there are many blessings in this trip. Mom and I argued only once and that was in Mississippi... I think we were both tired. I'm learning alot and just sooooo thankful that I had nothing to do with any of it. But it will be worth it. More than worth it. Just wait.

2003-07-23T13:51:00.000-07:00

Last Day

There was lasagna. Homemade lasagna. Really good homemade lasagna. The sports guy has been promising us lasagna since he started working here more than a year ago. Today he delivered. We all feel cheated. I wish that it wasn't a goodbye gift.

My boss bought red velvet cake. My absolute favourite. I asked him if he'd ever heard me mention that I loved red velvet cake. "Actually, " he says, "I'd picked out a chocolate on chocolate cake. I didn't really know what to get, but I knew you would eat whatever. Then, on the way out, I saw the red velvet cake and so there you are."

I want to cry, but I'm not ready to cry yet, I guess. Tears aren't falling, the heaviness of the reality of missing these people have not set in. I still feel as if I were excited for someone else leaving. "You're going to California??? That's gonna be GREAT!" It hasn't really set in that I'm the one that's going.

Tomorrow, I finish packing, do some last car checks (AC... AC for goodness sake!), pick up my paycheck and start out. Mom is ready. Bear is ready. Sal is ready. Maybe by the time we hit Tucson, I will be ready too.

2003-07-21T16:23:00.000-07:00

The people I credit with giving me the most help from my future home state are Seth and Jaki. I met Seth the first time I was in California. We were in the same writing group and we became good friends. I met Jaki the day they got married and I fell in love with her instantly. They've offered their home, their church and their help to me when I move out. I've gotten nothing but encouragement from them and I appreciate it more than anything.

They've started a videography company, so if any of yous out there have something special you want videoed, hire them. Or else!

2003-07-21T12:16:00.000-07:00

If you've been hearing alot about The Passion by Mel Gibson, this could be interesting.

2003-07-16T19:03:00.000-07:00

Today, I got my car re-aligned. Sal feels great now, thanks for asking.

As I was getting into the car, I noticed an aerosol can on the passenger side.
"You just thought you'd give me something extra?" I asked
The guy kinda stares at me and I point to the can. He shakes his head.
"Oh, I found it under your hood. I thought I should move it since it's highly flammable." He kind of gives me this look with his eyebrows raised like, "Why do women try to do anything to their cars themselves." On the defensive, I say, "It's not mine. I don't know, maybe is from when I had a fuel injection cleaning yesterday from the other place."
His eyes light up. "Well, it's for fuel injection cleaning," He replies, "but it's highly flammable."
"Thank you." I say

Did you get that? A highly flammable can of combustible stuff was under my hood for a whole day. In the hot sun. With lots of driving. Highly Flammable.

Other than that, I'm fine. Because mechanics love me.

2003-07-15T22:28:00.000-07:00

Drive-ing takes me away... to where I've always wanted to be...

The plan begins to unfold. My mom is driving with me, which is part "YAY!" excitement and part "ummm... what am I thinking?" blah. I don't know how four days in a car with my mom will fair for our tempers, self control and enjoyment of company. With that thought, I'm pretty psyched she's going with me. She's already helped out tremendously. She's plotted out where we should be on different days... (my plan involved driving until we couldn't any more and then crashing at the first hotel we found) and gotten rooms in those places. Because she travels so much for work, she was able to get a couple of free rooms. But more than these things, I will have the person that is my Titus 2 example going with me. She will get to meet the people I know there and she can evaluate just how much she will need to pray for me while I'm there. (heh heh) Plus, despite my reservations concerning mom's lectures, I am interested in, yes, even excited about, the advice she would give me as we are getting there.

As for bad news, the apartment I was trying to get (I was to mail a letter with the application information) I may not get because yesterday I got the letter back. I can only assume that I put in a wrong number somewhere. So I will be up early calling into Los Angeles and seeing if there is still a way for me to get the apartment. The good news is I still have a place to stay if the apartment falls through.

Sunday, mom kept turning around to look at me, her bottom lip poking out (I got it honest folks), her eyes welling with tears. During Fellowship, I asked her not to keep doing that, since leaving was hard enough. She nodded then grabbed my hands.
"I asked God to clarify your plans, if He really did want you to go. Do you feel like He's doing that?"
"Yes." I say quietly. It's been a hard fought battle on His part, but without ever raising a weapon. It was a silent ambush, where I was expecting that I might stay, I might wait it out, I might do as mom suggest and wait until next year, or whenever I'd saved up the amount of money she wanted me to save. (I'm nowhere near that, but I have a bit and thanks to generous friends, I'll be provided with more.) Two Sundays ago, when asked when I'd leave, I didn't have a clue. But in the course of a week's time, I knew the whens the wheres and the hows. The battle was what the past two years have been all about. All that I've learned about following the Spirit. All that I've learned about God, all came to a head versus my own wants and, unlike the other times when God has turned me aside by a harshly spoken word or a sharp reminder of my duties, I found myself having to make the decision. I decided for God (which is a good thing) and so I'll be moving. There is a level of hurt in this that I can't evaluate, but I know without a shadow of a doubt that God is good. He always has been. With a truthfulness that I barely understand myself, He has NEVER failed me. 9 more days.

In other news, mom is keeping my record player so I won't have to sell it. Hip Hip Hooray!

I do, however, think I'm gonna "man up" on this one and not cry until I'm many miles down the road.

2003-07-14T17:46:00.000-07:00

Being lazy as well, I will send you to Tennessee River Fish to check out his riddles.

I love them. Does that mean they are Level Zed?

2003-07-11T16:34:00.000-07:00

My home town is thinking of putting up cameras at major traffic lights, which they feel will help them keep up with the worst of traffic...

I believe that they are just setting themselves up to be hacked by computer geeks who will help a bunch of rascally thieves, who are not after the money, steal the gold from the delightful evil bad guy while blowing up underground grottos and subways. In south Georgia.

No. I don't watch too many movies.

2003-07-11T16:24:00.000-07:00

Have you ever gotten so little sleep, you wonder how you're ever going to make it?

Counting today, I have 14 days before I leave Georgia.

In other news... Maybe I look good today... maybe I know too many dirty old men, but I've just received two hugs from guys who, even though I know them by name, are - in essence - strangers. I wonder what other strange things are gonna happen?

2003-07-09T18:54:00.000-07:00

I dunno know... I feel slightly insulted... AND boring... *sigh*

What rating is your journal?
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2003-07-09T17:32:00.000-07:00

I packed one of my two suitcases today.

I'm taking everything one day at a time. But it's beginning to overwhelm me. I haven't been eating well or sleeping well. It's like I'm trying to pack every bit of sensory perception into my time. I sleep about 5 hours, I write alot, I work 8 hours and I spend the rest of my time with the people I love.

Two more weeks. I can hardly believe my life will be completely different in two weeks time. But I'm getting to two weeks one day at a time. Today, I packed and my room looks less hurricane-y and more empty. I may actually be able to fit my life into my car.

I wish I was a minimalist. Sal would be the lighter for it.

2003-07-08T16:22:00.000-07:00

I'm doing a HORRIBLE job getting ready to move. My room looks like a hurricane blew through, but there is no packing to justify the hurricane... just frantic-ness. I still don't definitely have someone to ride with me to California. I decided that shipping my car would be just as expensive as U-Hauling it to Cali, so I'm just driving. I've gotten the brakes fixed and new tires. I need an alignment and a new wheel. I still have to cull some stuff from the herd and I have a studio full of books and writing equipment that I need to pack/give away/sell.

I am horribly unprepared.

2003-07-07T14:50:00.000-07:00

I saw 28 Days Later this weekend. I liked it, but I need to watch it again. I would like to see other people's review of 28 Days Later. I left the theatre full of emotions, some very similar to rage. Why? I don't know. I think the filmmakers wanted to foster this emotion, but I get caught up with characters, especially if I identify with them. So, the emotions could just have been me feeling as if I were running with them. Ah well, if you've seen it, tell me what you thought.

From what I hear, Levy's review of Terminator 3 was how everyone felt. Someone gave me the thumbs down on Legally Blonde 2, but I think I will see it anyway. Not in the theatre, but I will rent it. I'm ready for League of Extraordinary Gentlemen. Mainly because of Pita Wilson... even though she's not a gentleman. I'm actually kind of psyched about Bad Boys 2. I could use a really good comedy right now. I want to pick up Punch Drunk Love, especially after The Dane's Review. I have a friend who's somewhat of a movie snob (he doesn't like movies, he likes film) who really wants to see it as well. A good friend of mine has seen it already and says it's great. I can't wait, with encouragement like that.

I really don't have much to say, but everytime I look at the last post, I start singing Bad Habit. So, enjoy.

2003-07-04T23:38:00.000-07:00

When being nostalgic and listening to music from your youth, it is probably a bad idea to blast Bad Habit by the Offspring while waiting for a light to turn green.

Then again...

2003-07-04T23:25:00.000-07:00

I just don't know anything about boys. Write it down in the annals of time. If I ever say I know, point me back here. Cause I don't know jack!

I guess girls are just as complicated to boys. All I have to say is that's what you get!

2003-07-04T14:28:00.000-07:00

Reunion

My mom is going to one part of her class reunion tonight. The theme is the 70's... 1973 to be exact. Mom was in a flurry because she'd bought two outfits, one for her and one for the woman who was her best friend then and is now. She has been trying, for the last three days to get her hair to make an afro. She has straight, fine hair. The attempts have been very comical. I've tried to offer her assistance, but she turns me down by saying things like, "Just because you were born in '76 doesn't mean you know anything about the 70's." So I made my thick, straight hair curly. Then I said, "My hair is in more of an afro than you will have when you undo yours." I was right. Mom pouted then came up with a different way to do it. My sister and I told her it wouldn't work and it didn't. Mom is resilient as well as stubborn and I have to say, I got my sarcasm, stubborn-ness and resiliency honestly.

This morning, when my mom was leaving to run some errands, her hair in tight curls (but not nearly tight enough to have the afro she is trying to get) she murmurs, "I'll see how this does... I'm not getting an afro wig like some people..." I can only assume her friend wisely decided not to tempt nature, as my mom had, and go the easy route.

The last guy I dated once said that I never choose the easy route. I guess I got that honest too.

2003-07-03T15:09:00.000-07:00

In honour of the Lady Jett Superior

What the @#%*! ...?

2003-07-03T15:01:00.000-07:00

An artist who truly wishes to express the things he has found will not settle for half-truths or insufficient expressions

Click.

2003-07-02T18:56:00.000-07:00

Why do I write?

It's not just to taste life twice, even though that's nice. I like looking back, reliving, being grateful that I don't think the same way, etc.

I have to compare writing to cooking. I like to cook for myself. I love experimenting with recipes, I love adding strange spices, I love grocery shopping. I love the work and sweat that putting together a good meal takes. I like what that type of preparation says to the people for whom I prepared it. There is personal satisfaction in feeding my family/friends and having them love every bite of it, from appetizer to coffee and dessert.

For so long, writing was personal and solitary. I didn't want anyone to read it because it was as if I squeezed a piece of me out onto paper and put me into stanzas. It didn't matter if I changed or grew. All that mattered was that I get it out. Then one day, I heard words so beautifully stated, I knew that if I wrote like I had been writing, I would die soon. I had to change and grow. The beautiful words ricocheted through my brain and for a year and a half, I didn't write a word. When I picked up a pen to write again, the words that flowed out were as unfamiliar to me as my previous writing was familiar. For a couple of years, I was able to explore these new words, I was able to let other people sample them and in so doing, sample me. I began to open up to others in a way that was somewhat addicting. That is when writing became like cooking.

But I was not content with sugar cookies forever. I wanted to add different flavours, different fillings, and move on to cakes and dinners and breakfasts. I'm learning right now, knowing that I will do this. I want the right mix, the right hint. Just the right texture and flavour. Not just for me and to me, but to others. If you do not like squash casserole, that's alright. Some things will be squash casserole to you. But some things will be steak or a juicy burger or filet mignon or just garlic bread. Some things you will ingest quickly and enjoy, some things you will linger over and savour. I want to get to the point where my writing is not a chore... to write or to read.

I want to realize potential. I write to explore, to entertain, to make you laugh, to make you cry, to expose emotions, to delve deeply. I can start with me, inside me, around me, and maybe, one day, you will see yourself.

Thank you for those who have shown me myself in their writings.

2003-07-02T16:27:00.000-07:00

One of my fears, I guess, is this: What is God going to do this time?

I remember when the guy I thought I was going to marry broke up with me. I was so mad at God, I threw myself into my duties at church, was there almost every day, but didn't say one real word to God. Finally, just to get a few words in, He made me sick. Not Angel sick, which is me normal plus Cherry Alka Seltzer. This was a sick where I couldn't move, couldn't talk, couldn't do anything but listen. And I did.

I remember when Man broke down the last time, when he died. I didn't have a car. I didn't have any way of getting a car. I didn't have a down payment for a car. I caught the bus or a ride for nigh on 4 months. Mind you, I was car-less for about 2 years before I got Man, so I know it was not a long time, but it was something I never wanted to go back to. Walking in the heat of the summer, getting to work either 2 hours early or 1 hour late, depending on what the bus did. Having to humble myself and ask for a ride. It was a hard, hard time for me. I really appreciate Sal, more than I ever did Man.

I remember when my mom confronted me about the way I was spending my time and why I wasn't moving to new levels of faith with God. I remember crying for a week straight as I realized that the price of obedience was a great, heavy price and I was going to have to put myself on the block. Would I be found wanting?

The thing is, change has been a hard, painful thing. It's been like I hear childbirth is. Extremely painful, but the end result is so wonderful that you forget until you have the next one. But as the time gets nearer, I realize there are so many avenues for pain and growth and change and while I want to welcome them with open arms, some days I just want to crawl back under my comforter and forget that words overcome every area of my mind. I want to wallow in comfort, I want to drown in complacency. But everything in me that has fought thus far, for the past two years, ever since the confrontation (that "everything" would be the Holy Spirit, since I've been piss poor at following God - as I should be) will not let the complacency and comfort sit easy. Comfort and complacency are trying to sit at the table, but their chairs are straight back and cushionless and they can't stay there long. I'm glad, but the battle leaves fatigue and scars that are clearly evident in the light of this move.

What, dear reader, when confronted like this, do you do? How do you remind yourself of the bliss afterwards. How do you look through the challenge to the truth? How do you find the balance that keeps you from going sane and being just like everyone else in the world?

2003-07-02T14:07:00.000-07:00

"So, when do you move to California?" one of my coworkers asked loudly while extracting a cookie from its container.
I look at her without much feeling and shrug my shoulders. Another co-worker looks at me and says, "Don't leave!" "Leave!" says the first co-worker. I feel cold towards her. Why? I had not personally told her I was leaving. Oh, I've not tried to keep it quiet. It wasn't something that I felt I should be spreading around. In fact, I told my boss that I would turn in a two week notice before I left. I know I will be out of here in August, but the actual date of my leaving work is up to God.

When I think about leaving, I get this feeling in the pit of my stomach, like it's not going to happen. It rolls into a ball, this feeling, and bounces around and eventually makes its way into my brain and my emotions as fear and worry. I don't try to control the ball so much as I try to remember God's promises. I have promises. He will do it all is the main promise. If I put my trust in God and nothing else, not even my plans or my understanding... If I will lay aside every thought I have... If... a bunch of ifs... It's like the ball that starts in my stomach eats the ifs for breakfast.

When I think about leaving, I get this feeling in the pit of my stomach, like it's really going to happen. But this feeling is like a wash, emotions so strong that they can only be expressed in tears and goodbye. While I dread the if eating ball of worry and fear, the unknown that waits before me is the most frightening thing I've ever experienced.

I'm afraid of heights but, in an effort to get over that fear, I went rappelling. My emotions toward the unknown is like the feeling right before you take the first step. When you step off the only firm foundation you know, knowing that if just one thing isn't right, you're gonna fall and it's gonna hurt like hell. You're scared. You want to cry. You want to change your mind. But you cannot continue living with this fear of heights. You cannot continue to be afraid of bridges, of falling, of death. So you take the step. Your heart is in your throat, jostled by the scream that wants to get out, but before you know it, your feet are planted and you've done it.

The exhiliration is that you can now enjoy what you've feared.

It's july. I have only weeks... in reality, only days before I'm either flying or driving towards my destination. It hasn't stopped being scary, but I'm starting to be excited.

How much longer am I gonna talk about being scared to move? We've got a couple of weeks yet. But please don't put me on mute *smile*

2003-07-02T12:49:00.000-07:00

"What kind of cookies do you have today?"
I shake my head.
"Non-existent cookies? Those aren't as good as the triple chocolate chip cookies from yesterday."
I nod.
"I guess they're healthier..."
I nod again.
"But that's not what they're for. If you want healthy..."
"Eat applesauce?" I suggested, spooning another bit of Mango Peach Apple Sauce into my mouth.
"Yeah. If you're on the cookie aisle, you're in the wrong place to start talking about eating healthy."
"Anti-health is the point of cookies." I agree.
"Especially triple chocolate chip cookies..." he adds.

2003-07-01T15:28:00.000-07:00

I watched my uncle put the brake pads on my car. It's so simple. I even helped. "Put this back in the tool box," my uncle said. He got up to get his own tools when he needed to change them out. Just cause I don't know what an Allen Wrench is doesn't mean you can't trust me to guess... heh, I don't blame him.

I can soooo put brake pads on my car. I'm never taking my car into a dealer and paying a hundred bucks for someone else to do something that can cost less than 20 bucks.

The thing is, I might not be strong enough. So here's my plan. First, I need to learn some feminine wiles. Then, find a guy with tools, preferably mechanic's tools... and get him to let me use them... yes, even the 40 dollar wrench. I'll find the right socket, get him to turn it (that was the hardest part of the whole fixin' the brakes saga) and then do everything else myself. I'll bet you can't wait to drive on the streets where I live...

2003-07-01T15:22:00.000-07:00

Brake Pads: 15.99 plus tax
Cost of brake repair at the shop: 99.99 plus tax
Amount saved: 84.00 plus tax
Labour Charge: Breakfast
Watching my uncle and mom laughing together: PRICELESS

2003-07-01T13:05:00.000-07:00

My boss called looking for one of my coworker. He starts the conversation like this: "What's going on?" I laughed and said, "Oh, nothing, just eating cookies." He laughed, mainly because I'm always snacking. Then I said, "I made cookies and I brought them in today." His response, completely serious, was: "Oh yeah? I'd better get my butt into work."

That, my friends, is what I like to hear! *sigh* I'm in vain baker's heaven.

2003-06-30T18:56:00.000-07:00

I know that I've gone through a streak where I thought I was ugly. I know that when you pray to God, you should expect something. But did every 3rd shift WalMart employee have to try to talk to me when I went grocery shopping? I would have settled for my mom giving me a hug and saying I was the most beautiful first born she'd had. I would have settled for my dog sitting when I told him to. The guy in frozen good, the guy on the bread aisle, the guy in snacks, the guys by cream cheese and yogurt... When the girl in hair care complimented me, I knew it was past time to leave.

I'm just kidding.

I stayed an extra hour after her compliment.

2003-06-30T18:47:00.000-07:00

Peaches are in season. Because of all the rain that we got this year, the peaches are big, fat, juicy, and sweet. I love peaches. I don't think there's anything I don't enjoy about peaches. Smelling them, cutting them up, helping my mom cook them in a cobbler...

I have a peach that's waiting for me. Right now. After the news, it's all mine.

(insert evil mad scientist laugh here)

2003-06-30T18:45:00.000-07:00

I've added getting my brakes fixed to the list of things that need to be done on my car. It caught me quite by surprise, the whole brakes thing. I thought I was fine.

The thing I hate about going to a shop to get my car fixed is the whole girl thing. I would like to be a part of dispelling the myth that girls don't know how to take care of their cars. Unfortunately, I can't.

My uncle can do anything with cars. Earlier this year, my uncle came to stay with us for a few weeks. I found out we had alot in common. And I found out that, to the old neighborhood, my uncle is a mechanic to be reckoned with. He's told me stories about putting together his first car at 10 and driving at 11 and how he framed his first ticket because the car he'd built when he was 15 was able to go over 180 mph on the interstate. And, because family is so important to him, he'll do whatever needs to be done to my car, but only if I cook for him.

If I cook for him? Well, of course I'll cook. What do you want, a 7 course meal, breakfast, desserts...??? I'll do it all. Fried chicken, potatoes, green beans? Lasagna and garlic bread? Grits and eggs, bacon and toast? Fettucine Alfredo with grilled chicken? Salad, home made punch? Chocolate chip cookies, coconut pie? Cook for him?

Of course, I get the "You have to take care of your car lecture." But he won't tell the story of how I drove around for a month past my 3,000 miles without getting an oil change to other people, further proving the theory that girls don't know how to take care of their cars.

I'll do better. I promise.

2003-06-30T13:45:00.000-07:00

I heard that Katharine Hepburn died.

I remember seeing her in The African Queen. I didn't know who she was, but I remembered her. When I saw Bringing Up
Baby, I told my brother, "That's the woman from African Queen." Of course, he didn't care. If AMC played it, I watched it. I loved watching Katharine Hepburn. She could throw a tantrum like noone's business. She could get her way and give in at the same time. Katharine Hepburn had her cake and ate it too. But the best was watching her and Spencer Tracy together.

There was an electricity and a rapport between them that was soon apparent to others on the movie set, and it would delight millions of moviegoers for the next 25 years (from the newsstory).

I remember liking Katharine Hepburn very much. Even enough to watch her in the made for TV movies she's done. Even when she was shaking so much that you wanted to bundle her up and care for her. I'm going to mourn for a bit. But I'll be back.

2003-06-29T20:23:00.000-07:00

Have you ever had an imaginary conversation that didn't go the way you thought it would?